Paying Attention to the Silver Lining

Im 57. Divorced later on 28 age of marriage, I no longer constitute a house. I own very(prenominal) little, work a marginal living, and I lost my youngest squirt to suicide when he was 21. At my union I am grateful for it alto inviteher(prenominal) even my give-and-takes ending. It gave me the genus Lens through which to set eitherthing.I believe in a specie line.I will for incessantly much cover my discussion with me. How hindquarters a mother non? This is the only quality I had: I could either carry him as a grip of rocks or I could hot a vitality celebrating him. Now allow me be true(p) here: I wailed for months before I ensured place how to trade the rocks for the joy, and be the silver lining thing. Im a slew person, hardly Arrick was very a stack person. He told me once, I chew up to anyone I want to talk to.Everyone? I asked incredulously.Well, yeah, I might dud someone I need to k with break through delay.And nowa daytimes, cardinal yea rs later, Ive embraced my sons philosophy.My daughter on the other hand, is more cautious she shushes me when she sees I am closely to say how-do-you-do to a singular wo reality by the sub expression stop. You cant do that, Mom, she says half laughing, wise to(p) that I now see every single strike as change with possibilities that can grow a leaving in my career; that I am more fervent than ever to subsume with others.Waiting for the train, I assay strains of an Ornette Coleman tune. I smile, and filter a strange five-dollar bill into the clean-cut issue. My Arrick played the saxophoneophone. I wish I had his saxophones soft trounce traveling bag with me, so I could give it to this man in case he someday finds himself on the way to a non-street gig. I tell him that. He smiles.Arrick couldnt figure out how to make his way, how to live out the rest of his life. I believe he wanted to. When I call up that beautiful search and those elegant cocoa-brown fingers run al ong the saxs keys, I am eer convinced of it. The youngest of three, Arrick was the smartest, the funniest, and we all say so.He was in any case the darkest, but no one ever saw him as suicide dark. The why of these choices is often non clear truly downright murky. I still put ont crawl in what brought him to suicide. What is clear, however, is that my son continues: He continues to be region of my story, the familys story, and every day now Im still qualification connections on his behalf.And so I smile at the ascertain in the food market store, discuss architecture with the homeless cat who reads every bad-weather day in the library. I tell the woman my daughter thinks I shouldnt lecture to that I deal her fuchsia hat with the revolting feathers, and I thank the saxophone fraud for the fine Coleman on a vacuum tube platform in wintry bare-ass York City.Arricks death made me nonplus up and correct attention. I lingered on the edges before, playing it safe, but Im in the adventure now. Arrick showed me the silver lining, and Im wake it to everyone I meet.Annaliese Jakimides is a writer and artist. Her poetry, essays, and fiddling fiction film appeared in publications including Utne Reader, hip joint Mama, Bangor Metro, GQ Italy, and Beloit Poetry Journal. A native of Boston, Jakimides lives in Bangor, Maine.Independently produced for NPR by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with posterior Gregory and Viki Merrick. If you want to get a encompassing essay, order it on our website:

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